How Perfectionism can Impact Pregnant Women
I know I’ve written about perfectionism before, but that was in a more general way. I’ve come to realise more recently how it can really impact pregnant women so I’m sharing my thoughts.
Do you have perfectionist tendencies?
Do you procrastinate?
Struggle with making decisions?
Never feel like what you do is good enough?
If so, these all point towards that being a yes.
Perfectionism and the pregnant woman can be a pretty unhelpful combination.
In fact, women who are perfectionistic are more likely to become anxious and depressed during pregnancy and are at greater risk of developing postpartum depression.
Some say there is ‘healthy’ perfectionism and ‘unhealthy’ perfectionism. You can probably figure out what I mean by that: ‘healthy’ can mean you have high standards and a drive in you to be the best you can be. On the flip side, ‘unhealthy’ can mean you never reach your unachievably high standards, so you’re never satisfied and never feel good enough at anything you do. The trouble is, you also project that onto others and assume that they also see you in the same way; that they are criticising you, feel let down by you and that you’re not good enough.
I know this because I am a perfectionist and at times, an unhealthy one!
A common thing for perfectionists to do is compare themselves to others and unfortunately, pregnancy is full of opportunities for this! Worries about your appearance, your size, your body, your partner-relationship and even what baby ‘equipment’ you have, can make you compare yourself to other women, which can trigger anxiety and depression. As if that wasn’t enough, pregnant women also receive so much outside advice on what they ‘should’ or ‘shouldn’t’ be doing, and this can add to their sense of failure and guilt, which can really affect their mental health.
It’s so important for pregnant women to be aware of whether they have this tendency and to learn to be compassionate and kind to themselves.
So, how do you know?
Healthy Perfectionists do have high standards for themselves but they are still able to feel satisified and proud of their achievements, even if they’ve not quite met their goals. They can see and appreciate the ‘small wins’.
Unhealthy Perfectionists have unachievably high standards. Like, crazy high. Their language often includes words like “never” and “always”. For example, they might feel that they should NEVER raise their voice to their children, or ALWAYS provide home-cooked food for their family. (Examples of standards I’ve set myself in the past!) These things just aren’t possible all the time. Not for anyone.
Unhealthy Perfectionists tend to focus on the negatives; on how they have failed, let people down or not met their expectations. They feel guilty a lot of the time and so they always feel they need to prove themselves. It’s an exhausting way to live.
Social Media doesn’t help the Unhealthy Perfectionist. She sees other women doing it ‘perfectly’; having joyous days out with their family in the sun, looking slim and beautiful with shiny hair, just a few months after giving birth, pushing their always-happy babies round in the latest Stokke Trailz or Bugaboo and being totally in love with their partner. We all know this can’t be the case all the time for that family but still, we can find ourselves comparing our own lives to theirs and feeling inferior and inadequate.
What can you do to help yourself?
Change who you follow on social media for a start! Unfollow all those ‘shiny’ Mums who you assume ‘have it all’ and if you don’t want to give up Instagram altogether, follow people who are more real and show you their dark days as well as their good ones.
Try to become aware of when you berate yourself and start being kinder and more compassionate, (just like you would be to a close friend) about your so-called ‘failings’.
Remember that you are one of the most influential role models for your children. They will listen to how you talk to yourself and that will become part of their own ‘self-talk’.
Try not to judge others. After all, that’s probably just a projection of your own high standards. You can’t know the whole picture of someone else’s situation so perhaps that moment that they’ve given their child their phone to look at in the supermarket trolley is the only time that day that that’s been the case, and that Mum just needs to pacify her child so she can gather her thoughts for a minute but actually she’s been ‘perfectly’ attentive for the rest of the day. Going easy on others will help you to give yourself a break too. And then you might realise that others aren’t judging you all the time either – it's a positive cycle to train yourself in, if you can. Be gentle with yourself along the way, it takes time. I’m still practising!