The word ‘should’ can shove off!

Pressure from our own expectations, society and social media, means that sometimes we are left thinking that our experiences aren’t valid and that we’re getting things wrong. This in turn leads us to compare ourselves to others, and none of this is helpful when it comes to building our confidence as mums. 

We tend to accept that there will be a mixture of feelings at some events, like weddings, for example: mostly a joyous event, but perhaps sprinkled with some sadness if a loved one is unable to be there. Or even after a funeral when someone remembers something funny about the person who has died! And then of course, the guilt that follows the laughter, just to throw something else into the mix. 

But somehow—thanks in part to the ‘perfect’ families on Instagram (the modern equivalent to ‘keeping up with the Joneses’) — we seem to feel that we should be feeling joy and nothing else every time we reach a milestone with our children. “Enjoy every minute!” it says in the card from work when you start your maternity leave... Really?! Who manages THAT?!  

I have heard plenty of mums say this: 

“I should feel happy today, but I’ve been feeling sad. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”  

The reality is, none of us (not even the Joneses) feel just ONE emotion across a day, or during the celebration of our children’s milestone events, so there’s nothing wrong with us if we don’t feel what we were expecting to feel. We would do better if we were able to allow all the feelings that are there, and to adjust our expectations beforehand. Every step of independence that moves our child away from us, comes with such a mixture of feelings, that any mention of the word ‘should’, in terms of what we should be feeling, is crazy; the experience is different for everyone. There might be joy, excitement, fear, grief, sadness, or guilt, or all of those! 

Is Grief just for death?  
Let’s talk about grief for a moment, because I think that plays quite a significant part in bringing up children. Of course, if there is someone who you wish could’ve met your baby, then grief in relation to death will be there. I remember my eldest daughter lost her first tooth just two months after my dad had died, and I desperately wanted to be able to tell him. So, whilst her milestone was exciting, I was also very aware of my sadness about what could never be. 

But grief isn’t just reserved for death. We can feel it at the passing of any phase or stage, particularly as a parent. In my experience, with every transition from one stage to another, there is an element of grief. And sometimes we don’t feel it or even notice it, straight away. (I think that’s why older people tend to coo over babies and toddlers! They tell you: “it goes so fast!” and you smile, whilst invisibly rolling your eyes and thinking they must’ve forgotten how hard it is.) It’s hard to realise that at the time because you’re in the depths of it, but they’re absolutely right. You probably won’t know how much you miss those newborn cuddles, or toddler chats until your friend has a baby a few years later! We can get so swept up with the excitement, even competition (and often relief) of starting a new phase that the grief for the old one ending, passes under the radar. The trouble is, it can lurk inside us, if left unaddressed.  

Even just acknowledging the mix of emotions can help. I find it good to remember this when I’m wishing time would speed up the passing of a particular stage. Of course, we all wish we could fast-forward time during the tough bits, but then when a stage has passed, we can feel sad and miss the enjoyable parts of it. We’ve all heard things like this:  

“He just fell asleep without me last night!” (smiling)

“She’s so close to rolling over, I wish she’d just master it, she’s getting so frustrated!”  

Try to hold all the feelings alongside each other in moments like this. If you catch yourself saying any of these things, or something similar, take a moment to think about the other side of it too, with an ‘and’ instead of a ‘but’:

“I’ve been longing for more sleep at night, and I’m glad my child feels safe to sleep without me... and I’ll miss the warmth and contact of his little body now he sleeps on his own.” 

Or even use it to feel gratitude and stay present, before you get to the new phase:  

“I know I’ll miss these daytime feeds one day, even though I feel frustrated that I’ve got nothing done around the house today.” 

This can help you stay present and enjoy the quiet time of cuddling and feeding your baby.  

This one is a bit of a killer, that gets us all at one time or another: 

“Things will be easier when...” 

If you find yourself saying that last one, stop. Please read my blog about mindfulness here, or you will easily lose the first decade (or more!) of your child’s life!  

Anyway, back to the present blog. (I love a bit of irony.)  

To help accept the presence of multiple feelings, it can be helpful to look at our expectations of any upcoming event. For example, if your baby is turning one soon, you may be excited for all that’s still to come. You may feel disbelief at how a year has passed already! That disbelief might be quickly followed by the memory of (and maybe desire for more) newborn cuddles. Maybe you suffered from postnatal depression and feel you were robbed of some of that precious time with your baby because you were unable to be emotionally present? This can show up as sadness or grief... As you can see, there will probably be a multitude of feelings, and that’s just around one milestone! 

The bottom line is learning how to be mindful and present in each moment, and to know that whatever you’re feeling, it’s OK. The more we talk about this with our friends and family, the more we’ll all realise how normal it is to feel more than one thing at once, and the easier it is to accept. Eventually that gets rid of the sense that we ‘should’ be feeling one thing or another in any given situation, and with acceptance of ourselves, comes confidence and with confidence comes more space for joy.  

I must add a caveat to what I’ve said above: if you find that you aren’t experiencing any joyful moments as a mum, you could benefit from talking to a professional. Please feel free to email me at hello@liveintuitively.co.uk, speak to your GP, health visitor or other trusted professional.

Please don’t suffer in silence.